Monday, February 23, 2009

BAD DAY

I'm not sure what happened. Maybe I missed taking my painkiller med. Maybe it's just a cycle. I don't know. All I do know is that withdrawal has been hell. Last week I told my doctor that I wanted to stop the painkillers. I'd rather experience the pain than to deal with the terrible ramifications of addiction. He looked at me with amazement and said that only about 5% of his patients ask to get off these drugs. He acknowledged that it was going to be an ugly ride but that it is possible. He explained that many patients lie about their pain to get more pills and he sees them month after month. He also explained that since I've made this decision he will share as many resources as possible. He congratulated me for my commitment. It made me feel proud and worthy. He also suggested I go to some Narcotics Anonymous meetings to get feedback from others on this journey. I had an accident in October 07. Broke my leg and back. Took Oxycontin to relieve the pain. It did. Great! What I didn't realize is that it had control of me. Not the other way around.

Yesterday, February 22nd, Washington's Birthday was a very difficult day. I woke up in that gnawing state of dependency demand for the drug. Part of my plan to slowly go down in strength of dose but I may have missed one the night before. I have to take hydrocodone-apap, it's generic name is Norco, every 4 hours. If I don't, my body begins to demand the pill by making me feel a way that only someone that has experienced it would know. I describe it as a gnawing feeling. My muscles twitch. I have a very empty feeling inside and out. Deep depression begins to set in. I become very emotional. I cry a lot. Finally I cry. It's been so hard to cry.

By the end of the day I was settled down some. My new smaller dose seems to be working. Of course this is only the first day but I'm hopeful. I have begun to meet other people that have had a similar experience so there is some "misery loves company" thing anyway.

In all of this I have discovered some amazing things about myself and my fortitude. It has been a very spiritual experience in many ways. I finally explained what was happening to me to my wife in a way that she understands the seriousness of this. Previously she thought that all I had to do was to just stop. Her work has been occupying her time a lot lately and she hasn't been paying much attention to me or my plight. I'm glad she has a clearer picture of my circumstances. She has been much more supportive now. Thank goodness.

That's all I can write for now. Thanks for dropping by. Send some good vibes.....healing....prayers...white light....whatever. I'm going to win.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

If you go to any NA meetings, really check them out first. Some of them are actually Scientologists and really rope you in. That's all you need!

Mr. N.E. Gative said...

Thank you very much. I really appreciate that.

Anonymous said...

You should be proud of yourself. This is no small task you have undertaken. Your picture is definitely "a portrait of dispair". I would like to take those hands in mine and hold them firmly to remind you how strong, loved and worthy you are!

Mr. N.E. Gative said...

I appreciate your support. Thank you for dropping by.

marc said...

My friend.

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About Me

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Santa Cruz, CA, United States
I am a very shy introverted photographer. My psycho-therapist says that I may be able to come out of my shell almost any time now.